Why Does Anne Coulter Hate the Oscars?

In all my 33 years living on this miraculous blue ball floating through space and time, I've only held a grudge against one Conservative. Although I consider myself a liberal, I don't feel any need to bash the other side for their ideas and their initiatives--debate yes, bash no. Except for one conservative commentator in particular.

Shrill, spiteful and willing to distort the truth to no end, Anne Coulter gets under my skin like no other person alive today. And if you think this is an anti woman thang, even Michelle Malkin doesn't set me off like Anne Coulter can. Coulter exudes an aura so dark she might as well take to dressing in black robes and carrying a gigantic scythe.

Doing little to dial back her hateful rhetoric, she has long since given up reworking the facts and just jumps right into generating a steady stream of hyperbole laden rants that don't just border on the ludicrous, they are the ludicrous.

Just read her 2006 "Oscar predictions." Anne Coulter's Oscar Predictions

Did you read it? Go back and read it dumbass, the rest of this rant will not be as entertaining if you haven't read the Wicked Witch of the Right's column first.

Okay, you're not going to read it first. As I don't have time to cajole you into doing shit in the proper order I'll give you a pass. This time.

In impeccable Coulter logic, she makes an assertion, links it to something completely and totally irrelevant (How in the hell do you link al-Zarqawi and Brokeback Mountain--well, maybe she has a point. He did try to fuck over the U.S. and now the U.S. wants to return the favor, so maybe she isn't that far off) and then continues on as if the average person won't notice the flaws. Here, she starts with the twin claims that Hollywood only green-lights "politically correct" movies and won't release the attendance numbers for Brokeback Mountain. Apparently, it's some Gay Hollywood conspiracy.

Here's a series of questions:

• When's the last time Hollywood released attendance numbers for any film? Even Titanic, the one film you figure a studio would want to brag about attendance never used attendance numbers. But why would you when throwing around six zeros (a million) isn't as impressive as being able to throw around 12 zeros (a billion)? Would I prefer to be rocking six or 12? Duh!
• Why isn't the yardstick of gross box-office numbers used for all films in theatrical release an adequate measure of success?
• If measuring attendance was important, wouldn't Broadway use attendance figures more often? Oh wait, like Hollywood, Broadway is in the money making business. Why else, like U.S. car makers and airlines, would theaters and producers tenaciously fight the unions over pay and benefits?

Ironically, Coulter's claim about a conspiracy of manipulation resembles the one's made in the 90's about Black films. The most prominent being the accusation that theaters were ringing up Malcolm X under other films to give those films a boost and to sabotage Malcolm's success.

It was a dubious claim when one considers that Hollywood, like the Mob is notorious for issuing out vicious payback. Warner Bros. would have pulled prints and held back prominent releases if they thought theaters were fucking with their money. As I've already stated, Hollywood is ultimately about measuring success in monetary terms. Selling tickets to rival films means that money is going to fill the coffers of rival studios. Contrary to belief, few folks, no matter how racist, are willing to give up millions.

Now let's assume that Coulter maybe right about this politically correct conspiracy, let's see the top 20 Box-office films for 2005. Let us parse it for any PC leanings. [list pulled from boxofficereport.com]

1. Revenge of the Sith - $380.26 m
2. Harry Potter 4 - $288.73 m
3. The Chronicles of Narnia - $288.19 m
4. War of the Worlds * - $234.28 m
5. King Kong - $216.68 m
6. Wedding Crashers - $209.22 m
7. Charlie & the Chocolate Factory - $206.46 m
8. Batman Begins - $205.34 m
9. Madagascar * - $193.14 m
10. Mr. & Mrs. Smith - $186.34 m
11. Hitch - $177.58 m
12. The Longest Yard * - $158.12 m
13. Fantastic Four - $154.70 m
14. Chicken Little - $134.64 m
15. Robots - $128.20 m
16. Walk the Line - $117.48 m
17. The Pacifier - $113.01 m
18. Fun with Dick & Jane * - $110.33 m
19. The 40 Year-Old Virgin - $109.24 m
20. Flightplan - $89.71 m

Found any political correctness yet? Me neither. Found any overtly pro-homosexual polemically tinted filmmaking? Hmmm, does C-3pO count?

Maybe a big ape having the hots for a blonde goes under the bestiality banner and you know how we liberals are an anything goes kind of people.

Of course, I can't understand how we let Narnia, an overt allegory of the Christ story written by a popular Christian thinker, make it to the screens. Damn you Disney! You had us eating out of your hands with your Gay friendly agenda. And then you betray us liberals by making Narnia!

Hitch does feature Will Smith (black) , Eva Mendes (hispanic) and Kevin James (white yes, but also fat, sensitive and wears glasses). However, it's so pro heterosexual I was disgusted. The tingly feeling Mendes was giving me in my pants almost forced me to walk out of the theater. Will what happened? You were soooo gay in Six Degrees of Seperation. In fact, fuck Wedding Crashers and 40-year-old Virgin too for glamorizing heterosexual marriages and couplings.

I know I shouldn't let Coulter get me so riled. But damnit, you're giving folks like my momma (A Conservative Black Republican) a bad name. My momma isn't a shrill, hateful woman. She's a woman that loves chocolate (Fernbank exhibit here we come) and tells funny stories about the addicts she's worked with for the last several years (is addiction humor politically correct, hell no, but it's still funny damnit). She's the woman who taught me the joy of reading. It is possible to be a CR without the rancorous commentary.

So please people. Stop feeding the blonde beast. Don't allow her to continue to live under the delusion that what she's doing is disseminating well thought out analysis.