Sometimes You Have to Break...

I always said I would get a little personal on this blog. This will be one of those times.

The last few days I've been missing my Best Friend. (As soon as I say she that should be more than enough to fill in quite a bit of backstory. How that backstory played out isn't as important as the fact that the falling out had to come.) It's been one of those "why are my dreams about ******" kind of week.

Me and ****** had a falling out that, in retrospect, was a long time coming.

When it comes to relationships, what's most difficult to reconcile is the basic desire to not be alone with the ability to make healthy choices. Healthy choices often mean standing alone for long extended periods of time looking crazy. While staying in a relationship, even just a basic friendship, often means feeling lonely for long extended periods while looking crazy.

What's the difference? Healthy choices eventually make sense. They always do. It may take months, it may take years. But it's kind of like playing the stock market. No matter how bad you lose in the short term, the market will always pull through in the long run. It will make sense. (Oh God, I hope it makes sense.)

What hurts most isn't that our friendship ended. It's that we can't even talk like two rational adults. I refuse to believe that, as much pain we caused each other, there should be this much animosity and anger between us. Because, it's all one sided.

(In fact, I have another friend with whom I'm also in a similiar prediciment. Again, I think it's anger that's holding things back. Yeah, I had a few dreams about him too. Get your damn mind out of the gutter, it wasn't sexual. In fact, neither were the ones about the girl. And, if you can't figure it out, the guy and the girl are linked. If you guessed that, what you 'd be wrong about is that they were romantically involved. No, it's much more complicated and convoluted than that.)

It took me over a decade to learn that anger is a cancerous emotion that festers inside your marrow, slowly eating away at your soul, your self-esteem and ultimately your relationships.

To not be friends because of a wrong committed (which I take full responsibility for) is understandable. However, to reach that decision, one has to make it absent anger, absent hate. Because everybody f*cks up. And everybody f*cks up more than once. The question is, did they do it out of anger? Did they do it out of spite? Are they geniunely sorry for what they did? Do they even know what they did wrong? (That last bit is huge. We're often sorry, however, we aren't sorry for the right reasons.)

I really wanted to end this post on a kick-ass coda. And re-reading it, it doesn't quite flow in my prefered style. But, I like this post. It's messy and true with just a hint of self-delusion. And I'll leave you to figure what's true and what's false.